A room to breathe

adnilnap — Tue, 24 May 2011 05:32:55 +0000

hello? are you there? are you thinking about me too? for some reason, i miss you a lot these days, maybe because it’s May again…

i really want to tell you…i miss you…miss your suprise visits. i wonder if i will ever get tapped on the shoulder again, to turn around, and see you standing there.

but what i really hope is that you don’t miss me, and have moved on, found a new person to confide in, to trust, to share you thoughts with. and that you are doing well, my friend

BPL

adnilnap — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 08:00:20 +0000

It takes losing some to gain some.

The relationships built at BPL are so essential to my self identity.

Seeing their their sincere compliments, warm smiling faces, gratitude filled eyes has brought passion back into my heart.

To see them deteriorate slowly is incredibly difficult, the elderly surgeon who was on the cain the previous week would be on a wheel cart this week, and in a wheel chair the next; a staff would let me know the elderly woman with a love for piano has been admitted to the hospital after they saw my gaze linger on the missing chair at the lunch table.

The miracles of recovery, however, overwhelming outweighs the sadness. The kind hearted elder who was recently wheel chair bound is suddenly walking again, the once thought to be mute woman began to sing beautifully and slowly becoming a chatterbox. The strangers who kept to themsleves and not respond to your greetings began to smile and acknowledge your presence. It’s incredibly rewarding.

These relationships, my additional grandparents, offered me so much extra love, and the least I could do in return is to be their eyes, their ears, their mouth in the few moments they need.

2010

adnilnap — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 07:54:16 +0000

twenty ten

time to release the pain

singing songs in the rain

living life simple and plain

happiness i will gain

after letting go of vain

it’s a new year now, let the past be the past, the happiness that we shared is of the past, the present is now, let us enjoy it, embrace it, live it to the fullest. and we’ll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. it’s the climb that matters in life, not what comes after it, let’s work our hardest to make that happen. no more MSN/facebook.

really truly, 隐姓埋名了。

I wish i could tell you…

adnilnap — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 06:46:54 +0000

When you ask how i’ve been…i wish i could tell you the truth. Talk like back in the old days, free of constrictions, free of worries. But although you will never ever stumble upon my hidden little rant, it’ll still feel like you are listening. Every time i come home, a sense of immense dissapointment fills me, because they are not you guys. I feel like such an idiot for not appreciating having you guys in my life, and what good people you are. The way you guys worried about me when i was working too much, and suprised me at work. That was so sweet, did you guys know? I miss the way you guys used to look at me, filled with concern…

But really, who can i tell this to? no one…who can i depend on? no one…

Everyone is really nice, but i really feel like i don’t belong…i feel like i’m bringing trouble.

drama queen

adnilnap — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 23:35:46 +0000

it really feels like a piece of me is missing…and will never come back.

But i really do believe that God’s plan is good and perfect, and there must be a reason for this incredible and unignorable pain that’s tearing at my heart. And one day, a moment of realization will strike and i’ll realize, it is all for the better.

without moving to canada, i wouldn’t have met you and having been best friends and sisters for so long, without moving to a new area for junior high, i wouldn’t have met you and fortunately have all the joy you’ve brought to me life. and i wouldn’t have met you guys, my second family.

everything really will work out for the best. and my eyes are complaining from all the tears. just STOP. all the thoughts STOP, the tugging pain in my heart STOP, and let me concentrate, and study. so i would at least deserve my parents to give up their all for me. because dispite how much ever amount of pain i’m carrying in my heart, it must’ve been infinitely times harder for them to move each time. The acceptance of change significally disppears as we age. And I have to admire their courage, to carry on, and pick up where they left in the city before…

…

adnilnap — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 07:55:07 +0000

走在无人的街道
眼角勉强带着笑
眼角勉强带着微笑
眼角勉强带着笑

没有你在有多无聊
没有你我像得重感冒
我的思念像重感冒

哪里有爱的味道
我们一起去寻找
谁在想谁并不重要
重要的是想念的感觉真好

你快乐所以我快乐
我快乐都是你给的
无论走到哪都牵着手
经历的一切是那么深刻

你快乐所以我快乐
我快乐都是你给的
天涯海角有你陪我走
有你的世界就有我小小快乐

这就是我们小小的小小的快乐

Describing how I’m feeling. Everytime I see him, I get reinforced of the fact that it’s not you who’s beside me anymore. You who makes me smile from the inside out. And my heart sinks lower. Can only grab onto these little happiness of thinking about the pieces of the past, of our irreplaceable past, and the irreplacable you.

Realization

adnilnap — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 07:06:00 +0000

Throwing my self-absorption unto the streets! No more sorry and pity for myself, as if the world revolved around me, because i am the one who really should revolve around the world, its people, and what i can do for them. Time to move on from the sorrows which blocked my eyes from other’s needs and others concerns.

Starting anew: happy, self-sacrificing.

~~~~~~~~~

Even the bestest of buds branch away from each other with the passing of time. I’m really cherishing these last few moments of closeness we could share, because the distance will only forever expand according to those unfightable laws of nature. Until the time comes, where I could only wish you all the best things i could possibly think of, all the happiness and wishing that someone else will be there for you like i tried to be. Of course, I know I have little reasons for my concern, because you are you, so lovable, easygoing, natural, funny. These few last moments are precious, i feel them slipping away like sand in my palms, each will become a pearl in my ocean of memories, and never found in its simple state again. But just let it be. This is life. You, wishing you everything I could ever possibly hope for you and all the wonderful things beyond that. This is my serenation to you, my dear.

word unspoken

adnilnap — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 06:47:28 +0000

no matter how hard i try to erase you from my memory, the experiences we shared together left an imprint far too great for time to gradually soften and erase. I’m really trying hard to move on, to pretend he’s you, pretend he can understand my thoughts, pretend he care as much, pretend he’s protective of me, pretend he’ll be there for me, pretend he brings a smile to my face, pretend he has the same personality, pretend he needs me and my feeble advices and takes them to heart instead of finding them annoying… but beyond the pretentious, the brutal and honest truth is: that you-shaped figure in the depth of my soul will never have a new face…so maybe it’s time to stop pretending…and face the fact that he is a complete stranger, because he’s not you, not any of you…because he’s not family. ..and i should leave him be.

i really dispise who i’ve become in the process of searching for a new start. natural, nice, sincere, friendly, smiley, are all precious things i’ve lost along the way in this journey. that person is making a comeback! quitting the old habits of grabbing hold of the false hopes of the past, and hoping to xiao sa zou yi hui!

really, no more tears, no more sorrow, no more reminising. because for how many times in our lives can we really be completely independent? this is good practice!

~~~~~~

so very extremely glad for you, to see you so happy. i know that you now have someone good to take care of you, someone you’ve always wished for. I hope you’ll forever remain in that mood. Because I never ever want to see you cry, hear about you crying, see that painful look on your face ever again. Take care as well.

…

adnilnap — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 07:23:02 +0000

I miss you Marvin. If that day, I had stayed until you came back, I wonder what could happen? Would the goodbye of a few strangers be more different? What did your silly smiles mean? Your intent stares? Your kind advice? Wishing you all the best Hope that your goal to be married, and buying a house will come true. Wishing you all the happiness to the kind person you are.

Severe Melanchony

adnilnap — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 06:47:10 +0000

With the commencing a new season and of things anew, many past happiness floats away with the autumn wind. They may occasionally flutter and twirl in the wind unspectedly upon the most inappropriate time, but with it, your mind wonders and follows these leaves to a world where you could never be a part of again. Change is inevitable, of course, and the sorrow which sneaks upon your back. I miss the way my reflection sparkles in you guyses eyes, as if I was a rare treasure to be to be cherished. I miss the way your lips and the corners of your eyes meet when you guys see me, as if I was a a member of a family that has finally come home. I miss your concerning looks when I tell you guys of my troubles, and also, I have yet to confess that your presences heals all. Times were so truly happy as a child, growing up in a simple place. but now that the time has come to be, perhaps it is time to face the world, on my own. But I really am not ready, no matter how much I prepared myself for this parting, how many shields of armor over my heart, how hard I’ve tried to resist building that conncetion with you guys, but in the end, it is still torn to pieces. All that’s left is a gigantic pitless hole there that can’t be ever filled. With however much material things, new friends, or business. And I don’t think it ever can be picked up back again, no matter how hard I try. I miss you, you all, all of you. I really do wish the sorrow could go away, but if its the only way to reminise about you guys, then i’ll let it be. I’m still not ready to move on, ready to start a new life, ready to really be on my own, ready for all the overwhelming things the world could possibly bring and handle it all own my own. I really am not ready.

I keep on telling myself to be strong, but I really am not.

I really do despise goodbyes, and tears. I hate starting new. And I don’t like complaining or those fake smiles. But I’ve done and became all of the above. The biggest miserable hypocrite of all, me.